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Post #1; Sit Him Down With A Single Punch

Post #1; Sit Him Down With A Single Punch

Dear Shirley:

How does one throw a proper punch?  I’m left handed and I want to be able to sit someone down!

Ann


Hiya Ann!

Did you know people who like their left hand are called lefties?

Fascinating.

Thank you Viva Shirley.

Firsty, it’s a good thing you’re a lefty. We’ll use that for a surprise attack. But before you find someone who needs his ass sat down, you got to train up!

A couple hundred pounds of booty makes a real nice foundation for the back, shoulders and punching arm. Go to the bathroom scale and sit on it to find out how much your caboose weighs. If it isn’t at least two hundred pounds, go on a holistic soda pop, ice cream and cake diet. You’re looking for sugary nutrition. I don’t want to see a carrot or celery stalk in your house for the next two years!

Next you have to get good and mad. If he didn’t ask you how much money for a romp in the sack, like the fella in the video below, pretend!

He won’t know you’re faking! Trust us!

Next up, think about the physics involved. Men are very dense. If their brains were spaghetti they’d still be in the box. Their bodies are made of stiffer materials, too. Ergo, (best thing about writing an advice column is all the big words I get to use!) if the only thing you can punch is his head, don’t use your hand unless you can’t find a hammer, screwdriver, or baseball bat nearby.

Better yet, grab an AK-47!

And while we’re at it, the real truth is you could sit him down a lot easier a couple other ways, and have even more opportunity to… arouse his submission…

I’m thinking blue rubber bands.

But if you have to use your fist, and sitting him down is your goal, here’s how we roll at Revolution Ranch.

He’ll think you’re a righty — especially when you take your right hand, roll your fingers into a fist, tuck your thumb at the side so you don’t break it off, hold your wrist straight so you don’t snap it sideways, (and trim your nails first. Sorry. Forgot. But you don’t want four bleeding half moons in your palm.) Then hold your fist up in the air so he knows you’re super duper serious.

When he smirks, this’ll help you find the anger and focus you need and wham! That’s when you trick him! He won’t know your right hand was a decoy until he wakes up breathing through two tiny airholes in a plaster cast.

How do we work the magic?

Since you still have your left hand at your side, he won’t see you turn that one into a fist too. Now lean to your left and tilt your left shoulder back too. (Don’t worry. He won’t understand you’re getting ready to clock his ass cuz his eyes’ll want to see how your boobs look at a fresh angle.) Then swing your fist around and forward until you send the tip of his nose to the back of his brainpan.

Viola!

I know, I know. 😊

You’re welcome.

Thank you for the question, and please be sure to watch the whole training video below!

PS. you might think you have to do everything backwards, since the woman in the video is right handed, but if you think about it, the video reverses everything, so you should punch him just like her!

What did I miss? Anyone got more tips for Ann to help her sit his ass down? Be sure to leave a comment!

.

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4 comments

  1. Erich Brinkerhoff

    When I was a much younger man and my daughter was a sophomore in high school she was getting picked on by the mean girls in school. They started knockin her glasses off her face, hitting her and calling her names. I was in the army at the time and we were stationed overseas. I couldn’t really insert myself into the mix without putting me and my family in jeopardy. I sure didn’t need an international incident added to my resume. So after the third time this happened and after getting my wife’s blessing… I took my daughter aside and asked her to punch me in the arm as hard as she could. She hesitated, said no, started crying and refused altogether. I told her I was going to teach her to punch and I needed to know how she hit. She pulled her fist and forearm up and back and gave me the sissiest punch I ever encountered. I laughed a little but also assured her “it’s cool….I’m going to show you how to hit a lot harder”. I showed her leverage, how to put her core and shoulder into a punch, how to hold her fist and where to hit for the biggest effect. When she could hit me hard enough in the arm for it to hurt…I told her she was ready. I also told her ” look honey…don’t be a bully…don’t start a fight or be the first to haul off and whack some girl but…..if they hit you… you do just like I showed you to the best target offered” The next morning I told my first sergeant all that had happened and that if the school called him that I had already told my daughter what to do. Around 12:30…right after lunch…I got called into the first sergeants office. He said my daughter had been in a fight at school. My first words…..”who won”….he laughed and said my daughter had mopped the floor with some girl that had broken her glasses. That was a very proud day for me!

    1. Shirley Lyle

      Sounds like we need to induct her into VIVA the Revolution!

  2. Becki Porter-Blodgett

    Glad to hear a dad making sure his daughter can protect herself. My respect to you sir

    1. Erich Brinkerhoff

      Thank you….she has gotten even better and I decided that all 6 of my grand daughters needed the same lessons. I’m lucky they still like to hang out with Poppa!

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